Fears Realized
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“When we have lived the worst, when we have been at our weakest and our fears have been realized, we have the opportunity to experience Jesus profoundly. Living with the pain of loss and uncertainty removes a veil of arrogance that we often let cover Jesus's face. -Casey Martin (Joy of Every Longing Heart).
From early on in my relationship with my husband Joshua, my greatest fear was losing him. I thought, “I could lose everything else as long as I’m walking this road with him.” We talked about growing old together and I just hoped in the back of my mind that we would die together…Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook style. The thought of losing Joshua was oftentimes paralyzing. And when he was diagnosed with cancer the fear became overwhelmingly real and I would catch myself not being able to breathe.
Then my fears were realized. On January 18th, my greatest fear had come to be and I was faced with the reality of life without my amazing husband. My world had shattered.
But God. But God, in His rich mercy and kindness, has carried me like a sheep with a broken limb. He has gently begun to heal my broken heart with the power of His Spirit and living Word. My greatest fear was realized, but also the depth of love of my great God! Through the generous care of others and the truths in Scripture, I have seen God in a way I had never experienced in my life. His love has become so real and so tangible.
My journey is not over and my heart still aches and I still weep uncontrollably, but God is there in the midst of my grief and holds me close to His own grieving heart.
Have all my fears gone away because my greatest fear has been realized? No way! I still fear losing my kids, financial hardship, an uncertain future, and a myriad of other things (get a spider in the room and I’m gone!) But what has changed is that I truly believe that if God can bring me through the loss of my greatest earthly blessing, He will absolutely be right there to walk beside me and be my greatest counselor all the days of my life (Psalm 119:24). He will not let my foot be moved (Psalm 121:23). And He is trustworthy because He is all sovereign, all loving, and all wise.
A friend once shared an Elisabeth Elliot quote with me years and years ago, “There is no grace for our imaginations.” This was so incredibly good for my heart to hear and to remember, because it was meant to encourage me that if God brings me to a certain trial, the grace will absolutely be there when I need it. God gives abundantly more than we could ask or imagine and He is trustworthy when trials come. I could not have imagined the grace He would provide.
At the beginning of my marriage, I said, “I could lose everything as long as I’m walking this road with him.” And oh how I long to continue on this road with my beloved. But now, like the beautiful song Give Me Jesus states, “you can have all this world, give me Jesus.”
Love,