In Pleasant Places

I started to memorize Psalm 16 in the spring or summer of 2020. I don’t really remember why I chose this particular Psalm. Maybe it was the closeness of the Lord in the verses, that he is a refuge, at my right hand, will not abandon, and in his presence is abundant joy. But there was something that drew me to it. Now, looking back, I can see the nudging of the Holy Spirit. That God, being eternal and outside of time, knew what was going to happen in September of that year and guided me to scripture that would really matter in the darkness. Specifically, verses five and six. I will admit, these verses made me angry at first. They were not what I wanted to hear, and they were hard to believe. I could know with my mind that they were true but trusting their words, and finding hope in them, was not something I wanted to do. 

“Lord, you are my portion and my cup of blessing.” I did not want these words to be enough. I remember a moment when I was in the hospital after our accident and Michael’s death where I was staring at a ceiling tile, angrily talking with God. I told the Lord that while I knew having him was greater than having anything else, at that moment if I had the choice between having God and having Michael, I would choose Michael. So, for David to tell me in this Psalm that God is his portion, that having God was enough, only led me to frustration. I did not want God to be enough.