The Fragility of Life
As I sit in the middle of my personal storm of battling breast cancer, I went through a video series to study Job with my husband. I wrote this reflection after watching his teaching on Job 42:1-6.
“Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”
The trials and hardships of my life, past and present, have placed me right smack dab in the middle of anger, frustration, questioning, and grief. Why then, why now, why this, why me? I ask God repeatedly. Job questions God: he laments, he shows anguish through the tearing of his robe, he gazes on ease and blessing of the past. I find Job so very relatable. Perhaps a close friend.
You see, much of my suffering has come at the hands of the brokenness of this world. The fact that we live in the state of already and not yet. I find myself floundering and seeking to identify and proclaim the redemption found in the “already.” Yet, the louder voice and ache in my heart is in the toiling of the “not yet” that is still withheld in this season.
I long to tie my suffering to some sin pattern in my life, some wrongdoing I brought about on my own. In my mind, I am beginning to see that there is a belief within me that if I can trace it back to my choice, I can try and change the trajectory of my future suffering. Perhaps even a small belief that it will swing back the hands of time, make it right or at least give me a specific and tangible choice where I can place all the anger I find boiling up inside of me. How arrogant, how prideful of me isn’t this? Arrogant, yes. Because the truth is found in Job 38-42.
Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me.
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
Job 38:1-7
God is God.
Job’s response below to God’s grace in re-aligning Him to the truth of who He is and where He stands over all. This is the same humble posture that God in His grace and His mercy is drawing me to as well.
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
I have spoken once, and I will not answer;
twice, but I will proceed no further.”
Job 40:3-5
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”
Job 42:1-6
I didn’t have a choice in becoming a widow at 34 while five months pregnant with an eighteen-month-old son. Four years later, I didn’t have a choice in getting diagnosed with breast cancer at 39, only two weeks before I got remarried. Yet, I do have a choice in how I respond to the grandeur and position of our God in my trials. That is my part. My part is not to try and understand my hardship, but to seek after true understanding of God and who He is. My understanding of God will be my grip to endure future hardships. I pray and continue to ask God to make my response like Job: humble, repentant and accepting.
I would love to conclude this reflection with a similar ending of Job’s life. Many blessed years, restoration of that which was taken. The truth is though, I am still right in the middle of the storm. The winds haven’t silenced and the rains some days still feel like a torrential downpour. In all honesty, the restoration of Job’s life didn’t give him back what He lost. Don’t get me wrong, the blessings that God gave Him are a gift. I believe they brought much joy in the many years of life he lived; however, suffering gave him something that will never be taken away. Suffering gave him a firm footing that carried him into the next storm, or blessing, or joy, or sorrow. Knowing and believing, in its purest form, the knowledge and experience of who God is.
The sweetest woman who disciples me reminded me the other day that in the story of Job, he states that the Lord gives and takes away:
And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21
She said to me, as we sat discussing the hardships and suffering of this life, “the Lord never takes without giving.” So I am longing and trying to shift my perspective in this life. To not have all He gives be my god or for all He takes away to be my god. Because the hardship we face doesn't get to rob us of the joy in our journey of restoration, and our restoration will never heal the pain of our hardship.
The longing and desire of my heart is to fully know and follow God because He is my God.
Love,
