I AM Better
Vulnerable post ahead…
“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1 I’m going to be honest. Verses like this one can be hard to swallow after death strikes your family. And even harder to swallow during the holidays when feeling thankful and joyful is supposed to be the norm. What do you do when nothing feels “normal” anymore? How can you feel thankful in the midst of unimaginable grief?
The first holiday season without my husband, Chuck, was approaching and all I felt was overwhelming sadness and a weariness that I never knew existed. Within a span of two months I would face my birthday, Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas and the 1 year anniversary of his death–a whirlwind of emotions that made me want to go to sleep and not wake up until February. Or March. Or April.
I had a decision to make. Was I going to believe that God is who He says He is and trust that He is sovereign, that He is good and that He loves me? Or was I going to be skeptical of God from now on, thinking I needed to handle grief, parenting, and this unknown terrain on my own?
Thanks to my grief counselor who was encouraging me to pour out my heart, questions, anger, confusion, etc. to God (and not hold it in), I cried out to Him on the morning of my birthday as a huge wave of grief slammed into me. After dropping my son off at school, I sobbed while driving home and didn’t know what to pray except simply, “God, I need you. I need you. I need you.” Over and over and over. Then, the words that came into my head next were, “I am better.” At first I wondered if this meant that I would someday feel better, but then heard it again.
“I AM better.”
The hair on my arms stood up and, as hard as it is to put into words, His Presence was palpably present in the car with me. A wave of love slammed into me like I’d never felt in my life. God’s love and comfort was so there, I could feel it through my whole body. I certainly did not deserve this. God graciously and lovingly told me that He’s better than birthdays, holidays, gifts and anything else I could think of. And I believed Him. I was reminded of the verse in Psalm 63:3 that says “Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” My sobs quickly turned to joyful tears mingled with prayers of thankfulness and worship and honestly, I hardly remember getting home.
Were the holidays still hard and filled with grief? Yes. But that moment with God in the car was the BEST birthday gift ever. And that’s when I realized I could be thankful to God for who He is, for His goodness and His enduring love. He knew I needed these treasures while in the valley. (Isaiah 45:3)
These treasures also included:
God is so close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18) even if we don’t feel it.
Like King David, I can be honest with God about my feelings (Psalm 62:8) and cry out to Him.
He will somehow meet me in the wrestling and that will lead me to resting. (Genesis 32:22-32)
I don’t have to postpone giving thanks & praise until I’ve processed all my emotions. (Habakkuk 3:17-19)
I don’t need dramatic encounters with God to read what His Word says about who He is and how much He loves me. (1 Kings 19:9-12)
His love is better than all the answers I wanted to all my questions. (Psalm 63:3)
Whoa. This was a huge shift in my heart and made it a little easier to give thanks in a rough season.
“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16
With love,
Jodi
